It's been awhile since I blog 4 months ago. Time flies and it can slip through so fast that you don't even realise it until you have something to measure it. :-)
As for me, I realised it through this measurement of time from the date I last blog.
Let's see what I've been busy with?
My life, a job, pursuing my passion-attending lessons to improve my skills and knowledge, personal grooming having regular manicure and facial, attending to my spiritual life - going to church, cell group and serve in ministry, tending my relationship - family, friends and my lover... wow thats a handful for me. Of course, making difference in people's life, and one of them is Jasper. I'm proud of Jasper. Not because of the results that he got but the breakthrough that he has for achieveing the results. The last time he got 30.5/60 marks for his English. He had his recent result for his Prelim Exam and he got 74% for his English. He has improved greatly from the results he got. I know he has done well and seeing him doing well is my greatest satisfaction.
Now I know he can deal with tough life ahead of him. I can't be there for him forever, I can help him in little ways to help himself. :-)
Here's the happy ending and fruit I got from the months of work I put in his life and I'm very happy with myself too.
May God always see me through all my doings and bless them.
With my love and hugs.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A Reward, A Fulfillment, no words can describe
I have re-taken up a Tuition Assignment this year on 13th Februray to a son of my close ex-secondary schoolmate, and his name is Jasper. I've taught him for awhile when he was Primary 1 to 2 and later I decided not to continue the lessons because I could not spare regular time to teach him on a weekly basis due to my flying job as a stewardess. Although his mum did not mind then that I could not come regularly, I felt I were kind of short-changing him cos I couldn't give him regular lessons. Thus, eventually I told his mum to get him a regular full time tutor instead, in the hope that he will get better education assistant to improve his results.
Jasper is a bright child. I can see he needs lots of care and attention. Unfortunately his mum was not able to provide that luxurious time to be with him as she is the only sole-bread winner at home. Being a single-parent to bring food on table and taking care of all household expenses to three of her children. Jasper is her second boy and he has a younger sister, Jolene.
When I thought Jasper about six years back, his command of language is weak. His concentration at work is not good too. I have to take time to build up our communication relationship. Very often, Jasper will not remember what I've told him on his homework assignments. In the end, he usually did not hand up his tuition work on time.
I was very concern for his progress yet I can't take the exams on his behalf. All I can do is teach him and pray for him. His year end result for Primary 1 was bad, he failed most subjects. His mum was very concerned for him.
After Primary 1, he progressed to Primary 2 and his results were picking up. I was very happy for him. When his results were improved, I could see that he was more confident of himself. That was a very good sign and I praise the Lord for His goodness in his life.
After end of Primary 2, I told his mum that I could not continue and hope she will find a replacement for Jasper. I thought is for his good, instead his mum informed me that Jasper's results were from bad to worse and he has been failing all the papers after the new tutor. His new tutor has tried her best to teach him yet results were not improved. Several times his mum called to ask me go back to teach his son again. I was not willing to do so as I could not cope with my flight schedule and felt that I do not have ample time to rest. Although in my heart I felt burden by it and wish I could just sacrifice my rest and tuition Jasper, I did not do so that time.
It has come to my attention that this year it's his final year in Primary school - he will be taking his PSLE in EM3 grade. His mum told me that all these years Jasper has not pass any subjects including his Chinese. I was surprised that through all the years of tuition given to him and his mum said that the tutor has given him many assigments yet results were bad.
Somehow I felt I wanna take up this assignment once again as it his final year. I wanted to help him. I don't know how but I know as long as I walk in His Holy Spirit, God will guide me a way.
I remembered the day 13th February, I went to Jasper's house and had a first chat with him. Trying to assess his level as he is not in the normal primary stream, he is a grade lower. My cell group leader was concerned that I may not be able to cope with my flying schedule if I were to take up this assignment. I told him I just have to do it as my heart tells me so.
Although I was very stretched with my time when I am in town, I felt I am doing the right thing. I told Jasper's mum to keep the tutor as I will be taking it as volunteer basis. I took a month plus to assess his right level of education. I remembered I ask Jasper what level he thinks he's at, he smiled at me and simply said, "I'm in Primary 6." I was asking how confident he thinks his education level is at, I guess he does not know. As I need to assess the right level for Jasper, I went to Popular book store to get all various level of assessment books for him to do. Finally, I found out that his English was at normal Primary 3 level and his Maths is around Primary 4 to Primary 5 early level.
I can still vividly recall the first time when I show him the Primary 1 English assessment book I bought for him to do. He looked at me and say, "Teacher, I'm in Primary 6 not Primary 1, why did you buy the wrong book for me?" I told him that I didn't buy the wrong book for him. I said if he is really good and think he is above Primary 1 level then he should be able to complete the book without any difficulty. In the end, he did make a few mistakes in the Primary 1 assessment book. That's how I managed to gauge his education level.
From the result, I was able to find out which area I can help to give extra lesson to strengthen in his English subject.
Just few days before his exam in school, he told me the dates for the exams. I felt that time is very short for me to do anything much. All I can do is pray for him after each tuition lesson. I told him to bow his head and close his eyes and I prayed for him.
In one of his composition, he wrote that he wish he can pass his exams so that his mum and grandmother were be impressed and praise him. I know that's his desire to want to do well in his study.
Just 2 days before his school exams, I gave him a pre-test for English and Maths. He failed both my pre-test papers. I told his mum about it and prepare his mum not to have too much high hope that he will able to pass the exam this mid year but let's be hopeful and prepare him for the final year-end exams.
On 14th May, as I was on my way to his place for tuition, he message me of his school mid-year exam result. In his first message was:"Math exam 93 mark.eng exam 30.5 mark"...then the next message was:"So I pass"...
I could not believe it! I'm not sure did he gave the right result, thus I asked him what is the full marks for each paper and his reply was this:"93/100 math and 30.5/60 eng"... Wow, that was amazing to me!! He Passed!
I was thrilled with joy and while still in the cab, I quickly call his mum as I wanted to share this joy with her too. As I know she was working during that time, I called her office after I could not reach her through her mobile. There was no one picking up the phone in her office too, so I called my boyfriend to share with him this wonderful news.
I truely believe God has all the answers for this to happen. I was glad to see him doing well in his exam and I know prayer works.
This has been a great reward and fulfillment to me that no words can decribe. With just few weeks of coaching him and seeing this to bear some fruit, I was overjoyed! I'm glad I persevered and believe in Jasper that he will do well, he has not failed me and most important he has proved himself that he can do well! I'm very proud of him and glad that I followed my heart to take up this assignment and glory to the Lord! Amen.
Jasper is a bright child. I can see he needs lots of care and attention. Unfortunately his mum was not able to provide that luxurious time to be with him as she is the only sole-bread winner at home. Being a single-parent to bring food on table and taking care of all household expenses to three of her children. Jasper is her second boy and he has a younger sister, Jolene.
When I thought Jasper about six years back, his command of language is weak. His concentration at work is not good too. I have to take time to build up our communication relationship. Very often, Jasper will not remember what I've told him on his homework assignments. In the end, he usually did not hand up his tuition work on time.
I was very concern for his progress yet I can't take the exams on his behalf. All I can do is teach him and pray for him. His year end result for Primary 1 was bad, he failed most subjects. His mum was very concerned for him.
After Primary 1, he progressed to Primary 2 and his results were picking up. I was very happy for him. When his results were improved, I could see that he was more confident of himself. That was a very good sign and I praise the Lord for His goodness in his life.
After end of Primary 2, I told his mum that I could not continue and hope she will find a replacement for Jasper. I thought is for his good, instead his mum informed me that Jasper's results were from bad to worse and he has been failing all the papers after the new tutor. His new tutor has tried her best to teach him yet results were not improved. Several times his mum called to ask me go back to teach his son again. I was not willing to do so as I could not cope with my flight schedule and felt that I do not have ample time to rest. Although in my heart I felt burden by it and wish I could just sacrifice my rest and tuition Jasper, I did not do so that time.
It has come to my attention that this year it's his final year in Primary school - he will be taking his PSLE in EM3 grade. His mum told me that all these years Jasper has not pass any subjects including his Chinese. I was surprised that through all the years of tuition given to him and his mum said that the tutor has given him many assigments yet results were bad.
Somehow I felt I wanna take up this assignment once again as it his final year. I wanted to help him. I don't know how but I know as long as I walk in His Holy Spirit, God will guide me a way.
I remembered the day 13th February, I went to Jasper's house and had a first chat with him. Trying to assess his level as he is not in the normal primary stream, he is a grade lower. My cell group leader was concerned that I may not be able to cope with my flying schedule if I were to take up this assignment. I told him I just have to do it as my heart tells me so.
Although I was very stretched with my time when I am in town, I felt I am doing the right thing. I told Jasper's mum to keep the tutor as I will be taking it as volunteer basis. I took a month plus to assess his right level of education. I remembered I ask Jasper what level he thinks he's at, he smiled at me and simply said, "I'm in Primary 6." I was asking how confident he thinks his education level is at, I guess he does not know. As I need to assess the right level for Jasper, I went to Popular book store to get all various level of assessment books for him to do. Finally, I found out that his English was at normal Primary 3 level and his Maths is around Primary 4 to Primary 5 early level.
I can still vividly recall the first time when I show him the Primary 1 English assessment book I bought for him to do. He looked at me and say, "Teacher, I'm in Primary 6 not Primary 1, why did you buy the wrong book for me?" I told him that I didn't buy the wrong book for him. I said if he is really good and think he is above Primary 1 level then he should be able to complete the book without any difficulty. In the end, he did make a few mistakes in the Primary 1 assessment book. That's how I managed to gauge his education level.
From the result, I was able to find out which area I can help to give extra lesson to strengthen in his English subject.
Just few days before his exam in school, he told me the dates for the exams. I felt that time is very short for me to do anything much. All I can do is pray for him after each tuition lesson. I told him to bow his head and close his eyes and I prayed for him.
In one of his composition, he wrote that he wish he can pass his exams so that his mum and grandmother were be impressed and praise him. I know that's his desire to want to do well in his study.
Just 2 days before his school exams, I gave him a pre-test for English and Maths. He failed both my pre-test papers. I told his mum about it and prepare his mum not to have too much high hope that he will able to pass the exam this mid year but let's be hopeful and prepare him for the final year-end exams.
On 14th May, as I was on my way to his place for tuition, he message me of his school mid-year exam result. In his first message was:"Math exam 93 mark.eng exam 30.5 mark"...then the next message was:"So I pass"...
I could not believe it! I'm not sure did he gave the right result, thus I asked him what is the full marks for each paper and his reply was this:"93/100 math and 30.5/60 eng"... Wow, that was amazing to me!! He Passed!
I was thrilled with joy and while still in the cab, I quickly call his mum as I wanted to share this joy with her too. As I know she was working during that time, I called her office after I could not reach her through her mobile. There was no one picking up the phone in her office too, so I called my boyfriend to share with him this wonderful news.
I truely believe God has all the answers for this to happen. I was glad to see him doing well in his exam and I know prayer works.
This has been a great reward and fulfillment to me that no words can decribe. With just few weeks of coaching him and seeing this to bear some fruit, I was overjoyed! I'm glad I persevered and believe in Jasper that he will do well, he has not failed me and most important he has proved himself that he can do well! I'm very proud of him and glad that I followed my heart to take up this assignment and glory to the Lord! Amen.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
My Birthday - SURPRISED to the MAX!
Today is a special day cos its MY BIRTHDAY!!
I've planned out my day as follows:
9am : Dental appointment
(I woke up late, by the time I reached Wisma Atria for my dentist appointment, its already about 9:45am. The receptionist told me to wait for a while as the customer for the next appointment was arriving soon. Luckily they have a Cyber-Cafe which I can spend my time on Internet... heehee..)
The rest of the day was planned by Jamshed. Here's his birthday plan for me as follows:
12:30pm : Birthday lunch at Pan-Pacific, a Japanese Restaurant (Keyaki)
3:30pm : Next was supposed to be a Spa time at St.Gregory but I cannot have a massage due to an inconvenient period. :( Thus, this birthday treat was postphoned to a later date.
Jamshed replaced with a wash and blow hair treatment, movie at Marina Square Golden Village (Movie titled: Step-up 2 Streets) and a foot-massage for me at Kenko, Marina Square too.
6:35pm : We had a coffee at Killiney Coffee place, Marina Square. Then we go to Oriental Hotel for a cocktail drink - I ordered a Magarita, my favourite.
Jamshed asked me what food I like.. I told him food like Italian, Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean..all I like. He said he has made a reservation at an Italian restaurant near his home, Bukit Timah. It's about 7:45pm and he said try to make it on time so we have to leave Oriental Hotel at 7:30pm.
Over at the bar in Oriental Hotel, I was sharing with Jamshed that I would like to have a birthday party next year to celebrate with my friends.. he smiled.. I do like to celebrate with my boyfriend - it's our first-year together to celebrate my birthday...but I also miss having good company from my friends to celebrate my birthday. :-p
As we were in the taxi, Jamshed said he needs to go home first and I asked is it to drop his lap-top bag and he said yes. It was 7:45pm and he called the restaurant saying we were be 10-15 minute late. I said this time the response from the phone, I can sort of hear is a lady's voice saying okay. So I said, this time the reply is better, at least didn't say restaurant is full and told us to be on time.
When we arrived home, we were at the door-step and I can smell of nice food, thinking must be from the neighbour next door. I thought can't wait to go to the Italian Restaurant to have a good meal.
Jamshed said, since I am holding his keys why not I open the door. I said sure.
As I opened the door, I saw that the floor was pretty clean and the hall was dark as usual. Suddenly, the lights turned on and next the screaming "Hello! Happy Birthday!".. Out came a cake with lighted candle and I was SURPRISED! Overwhelmed!
Can't imagine Jamshed has organised such a Surprised birthday party for me. I was totally thrilled! Then I saw my best friends Dorcas and Vanessa were at the scene too... wow, its so much for me... I jumped and hug Dorcas when I saw her.. :D
Catch the link here from Evelyn's camera: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=31697&l=5b49d&id=730026499, the event of my birthday party.
Jamshed has great friends like Evelyn, Kelvin, Wilson & Brendan helping him getting things done to make this surprised birthday party a success. Plus all our friends have kept it so well from me and I have not noticed anything to guess this is going to happen.
I've planned out my day as follows:
9am : Dental appointment
(I woke up late, by the time I reached Wisma Atria for my dentist appointment, its already about 9:45am. The receptionist told me to wait for a while as the customer for the next appointment was arriving soon. Luckily they have a Cyber-Cafe which I can spend my time on Internet... heehee..)
The rest of the day was planned by Jamshed. Here's his birthday plan for me as follows:
12:30pm : Birthday lunch at Pan-Pacific, a Japanese Restaurant (Keyaki)
3:30pm : Next was supposed to be a Spa time at St.Gregory but I cannot have a massage due to an inconvenient period. :( Thus, this birthday treat was postphoned to a later date.
Jamshed replaced with a wash and blow hair treatment, movie at Marina Square Golden Village (Movie titled: Step-up 2 Streets) and a foot-massage for me at Kenko, Marina Square too.
6:35pm : We had a coffee at Killiney Coffee place, Marina Square. Then we go to Oriental Hotel for a cocktail drink - I ordered a Magarita, my favourite.
Jamshed asked me what food I like.. I told him food like Italian, Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean..all I like. He said he has made a reservation at an Italian restaurant near his home, Bukit Timah. It's about 7:45pm and he said try to make it on time so we have to leave Oriental Hotel at 7:30pm.
Over at the bar in Oriental Hotel, I was sharing with Jamshed that I would like to have a birthday party next year to celebrate with my friends.. he smiled.. I do like to celebrate with my boyfriend - it's our first-year together to celebrate my birthday...but I also miss having good company from my friends to celebrate my birthday. :-p
As we were in the taxi, Jamshed said he needs to go home first and I asked is it to drop his lap-top bag and he said yes. It was 7:45pm and he called the restaurant saying we were be 10-15 minute late. I said this time the response from the phone, I can sort of hear is a lady's voice saying okay. So I said, this time the reply is better, at least didn't say restaurant is full and told us to be on time.
When we arrived home, we were at the door-step and I can smell of nice food, thinking must be from the neighbour next door. I thought can't wait to go to the Italian Restaurant to have a good meal.
Jamshed said, since I am holding his keys why not I open the door. I said sure.
As I opened the door, I saw that the floor was pretty clean and the hall was dark as usual. Suddenly, the lights turned on and next the screaming "Hello! Happy Birthday!".. Out came a cake with lighted candle and I was SURPRISED! Overwhelmed!
Can't imagine Jamshed has organised such a Surprised birthday party for me. I was totally thrilled! Then I saw my best friends Dorcas and Vanessa were at the scene too... wow, its so much for me... I jumped and hug Dorcas when I saw her.. :D
Catch the link here from Evelyn's camera: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=31697&l=5b49d&id=730026499, the event of my birthday party.
Jamshed has great friends like Evelyn, Kelvin, Wilson & Brendan helping him getting things done to make this surprised birthday party a success. Plus all our friends have kept it so well from me and I have not noticed anything to guess this is going to happen.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Love Confession
Recently, I sent an email titled "Love Confession" to my boyfriend.
It was about my inner thoughts on how I appreciate his love and patient for my situation that I have to be away most time due to my job nature. How I am making effort working towards I can be with him often when I'm in town and how I hope all the good things happening for us now will last forever and not for short period cos I don't wish to be hurt again.
He just sent me back a reply which I like to post it here to show all how sweet he is to me and I believe his sincerity from the words he said here.
dearest chris,
I probably have never loved someone at a more depeer level than you. As i get to know you better i fall more in love with you. And everytime your away my heart longs for you. I know that many times i have judged you and you have taken it in your stride. I applogise for this as sometimes i can be impulsive and jump to conclusions. But the more i get to know you and get to know God i realise that your quite an amazing person with a great heart and capacity to care and love people. I do believe you have a place in his kingdom cause you love him so much and i can never be jealous of that. I am quite proud about it. If you ever want to know why i love you so much is because you inspire me to be a better person. I so wish that we set up a family together and he gives me the chance to love and take care of you. I want to do great things in my life. Things that will change the way people are living. I know my calling is to serve people and spread message of love and God. But i can't achieve anything without your support. I am hungry for your love always.
Love you, Hugs & Kisses
Jamshed
In my heart, I believe God will be with us and He will be in the midst of all we working for in our lives.
It was about my inner thoughts on how I appreciate his love and patient for my situation that I have to be away most time due to my job nature. How I am making effort working towards I can be with him often when I'm in town and how I hope all the good things happening for us now will last forever and not for short period cos I don't wish to be hurt again.
He just sent me back a reply which I like to post it here to show all how sweet he is to me and I believe his sincerity from the words he said here.
dearest chris,
I probably have never loved someone at a more depeer level than you. As i get to know you better i fall more in love with you. And everytime your away my heart longs for you. I know that many times i have judged you and you have taken it in your stride. I applogise for this as sometimes i can be impulsive and jump to conclusions. But the more i get to know you and get to know God i realise that your quite an amazing person with a great heart and capacity to care and love people. I do believe you have a place in his kingdom cause you love him so much and i can never be jealous of that. I am quite proud about it. If you ever want to know why i love you so much is because you inspire me to be a better person. I so wish that we set up a family together and he gives me the chance to love and take care of you. I want to do great things in my life. Things that will change the way people are living. I know my calling is to serve people and spread message of love and God. But i can't achieve anything without your support. I am hungry for your love always.
Love you, Hugs & Kisses
Jamshed
In my heart, I believe God will be with us and He will be in the midst of all we working for in our lives.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Must Everything Be So Perfect?
Four years back, I had this encounter with an interesting passenger. I was lost in my own thoughts of my love life, I was struggling in my mind on whether my long-term relationship is going anywhere and what better ways can I improve the relationship to take it to the next level.
As I pushed out my cart to the first row to serve my passengers in business class, I was still in my dream world thinking about my own problems. At the same time, I was concentrating on arranging the logos of the salt and pepper condiments to be facing me, as well as the glasses too as per company guidelines and out of the blue, this particular passenger sat on the first-row turned to look at my tray arrangement, then at me and he asked, "Must everything be so perfect?"
I was lost in words and not sure what to reply to such a comment. It sounds a simple question to answer, yet I didn't want to take it lightly to anyhow reply to our passenger's questions. So I gave him a smile and thought why he asked such weird question which caught me off-guard as I didn't really expect anyone will ask any question while we preparing the trays for their food to be served. Without much further thought or delay, I quickly reply that its our usual practise for the purpose of presentation, to present a nice and neat tray to our passenger. On the other hand, I pondered on his question for a long while in my mind. It kept lingering in my mind and I felt what he said is somehow true and applicable to my life as well... "Must Everything Be So Perfect?"
Life can be so interesting, where God will send you the right people at the right time when you just needed. I truely believe God exist and He has never short-changed us.
While I was caught in a lost world to whether what should I do to my love relationship, He sent someone to alert me - a total stranger.
No one has ever asked me "Am I happy?"
Not even my family or close friends ever asked me this question when I was sharing with them lots about my love relationship.
It was asked by a total stranger whom invited me for lunch in a beautiful afternoon at a breezy Alfesco-setting bistro-cafeteria at Repulse Bay, that very same passenger who asked me "Must Everything Be So Perfect?", asked me "Am I happy?".
It was so strange...everything suddenly seems so crystal clear to me. That in fact, I was not happy at all in my love relationship cos I still can recall that my reply to him on that question was "I think so"... .
I remembered the sun was there, children running around, over-looking at the sea view and the wind brushing through my face, I felt somehow good and relieved, yet not so settled at heart...
I looked into the sky and my heart longs for the Lord to give me an answer, an answer to all my questions for my love life.
I know I want to break free and in my heart I am searching deep. Searching for what is the right steps for me to do.
I gone home and made a decision to talk to my partner. Knowing it can turn out to be the end of the long-term relationship. I decided I will do it now or never. I am a passionate person, I rather have a love life with passion or rather not have it at all.
I cannot live a life denying myself and making stories to the world that I am happy in my love life but in actual fact I am not. I want to live in truth as in following God's word and His ways.
Nobody can understand and nobody can take this portion of my life. I have to live it and I have to take up all responsibility. Just like no one can take the place of Jesus. Jesus knows very well He has to go through a very difficult time before He can be with His heavenly father again.
I was in so much pain and only God knows. After I've made my final decision to end the relationship, many friends and family were not supportive to my decision. Except one of my closest girlfriends, she supported my decision. At such a time, I realised you don't need too many friends in your life, only those who value you are worth to be your friends.
In each time of my life where hard decisions are to be made and tough life I'm going through, I learn of new things about friendships and kinships.
I pray God will continue to show His ways in my life and call me according to His purpose for the rest of my life.
As I pushed out my cart to the first row to serve my passengers in business class, I was still in my dream world thinking about my own problems. At the same time, I was concentrating on arranging the logos of the salt and pepper condiments to be facing me, as well as the glasses too as per company guidelines and out of the blue, this particular passenger sat on the first-row turned to look at my tray arrangement, then at me and he asked, "Must everything be so perfect?"
I was lost in words and not sure what to reply to such a comment. It sounds a simple question to answer, yet I didn't want to take it lightly to anyhow reply to our passenger's questions. So I gave him a smile and thought why he asked such weird question which caught me off-guard as I didn't really expect anyone will ask any question while we preparing the trays for their food to be served. Without much further thought or delay, I quickly reply that its our usual practise for the purpose of presentation, to present a nice and neat tray to our passenger. On the other hand, I pondered on his question for a long while in my mind. It kept lingering in my mind and I felt what he said is somehow true and applicable to my life as well... "Must Everything Be So Perfect?"
Life can be so interesting, where God will send you the right people at the right time when you just needed. I truely believe God exist and He has never short-changed us.
While I was caught in a lost world to whether what should I do to my love relationship, He sent someone to alert me - a total stranger.
No one has ever asked me "Am I happy?"
Not even my family or close friends ever asked me this question when I was sharing with them lots about my love relationship.
It was asked by a total stranger whom invited me for lunch in a beautiful afternoon at a breezy Alfesco-setting bistro-cafeteria at Repulse Bay, that very same passenger who asked me "Must Everything Be So Perfect?", asked me "Am I happy?".
It was so strange...everything suddenly seems so crystal clear to me. That in fact, I was not happy at all in my love relationship cos I still can recall that my reply to him on that question was "I think so"... .
I remembered the sun was there, children running around, over-looking at the sea view and the wind brushing through my face, I felt somehow good and relieved, yet not so settled at heart...
I looked into the sky and my heart longs for the Lord to give me an answer, an answer to all my questions for my love life.
I know I want to break free and in my heart I am searching deep. Searching for what is the right steps for me to do.
I gone home and made a decision to talk to my partner. Knowing it can turn out to be the end of the long-term relationship. I decided I will do it now or never. I am a passionate person, I rather have a love life with passion or rather not have it at all.
I cannot live a life denying myself and making stories to the world that I am happy in my love life but in actual fact I am not. I want to live in truth as in following God's word and His ways.
Nobody can understand and nobody can take this portion of my life. I have to live it and I have to take up all responsibility. Just like no one can take the place of Jesus. Jesus knows very well He has to go through a very difficult time before He can be with His heavenly father again.
I was in so much pain and only God knows. After I've made my final decision to end the relationship, many friends and family were not supportive to my decision. Except one of my closest girlfriends, she supported my decision. At such a time, I realised you don't need too many friends in your life, only those who value you are worth to be your friends.
In each time of my life where hard decisions are to be made and tough life I'm going through, I learn of new things about friendships and kinships.
I pray God will continue to show His ways in my life and call me according to His purpose for the rest of my life.
Monday, February 25, 2008
A Not-meant-to-be Relationship Reviewed
Family and friends are very concerned for my choice of a life partner.
As if I can't make a decision myself on the choice of partner I want to have for life.
Just because I have made some mistakes along the way in my past relationship, it doesn't mean I can't decide what is best for myself now.
I always dream of having a lovely partner to build a lovely family with lots of children where love abounds and building our dreams together. In the midst of my search for a partner in my early years, my parents have some deciding factors imparted to me. My parents always say that to find a good husband, he must have a pleasant look, importantly to have a stable job and income, good education, and non unhealthy activities such as smoking, clubbing, gambling, womanising to name a few. I took their advise literally and started my search whom one I have found to suit their criterias. I pursued the relationship and wanted so much to have my own family without knowing what other things I should look into a partner before marrying the man. Gone into a relationship for 5 years and decided if he is not agreeing to marriage, I want to end the relationship. After registered for marriage for almost reaching a year, both family has been asking for a wedding ceremony but its not happening. Reasons given to me from my partner was:
1. No money, how to have a wedding ceremony?
2. I have not married before, how do I know how to do a wedding ceremony?
I was being patient and able to reply that we can tackle the matter step by step. I'm sure having a wedding ceremony won't cost that much as family and friends will contribute with gifts and money offerings to cover the banquet. If we don't know how to do it, we can always seek others who have done it for advise.
I must say its a very painful experience for me. Later, I found out that its not because of money as his father is willing to fund the whole wedding ceremony. There must be some reasons yet he is not telling me exactly. Finally, I decided to call it quit and he said a simple word "OK". My heart sank and cried. I felt like a liability to him instead of an asset, cos he said this to me:"I feel I have spend so much money on you, why should I still buy you a gift on your birthday?"; when I asked on why he has not bought the perfume I asked him to for my birthday.
He has never abused me physically but verbally. It is those words that he said to me were like double-edged sword cutting through my heart. Finally, I've come to a point to accept that there's nothing wrong with him or me, we are just not meant for each other. I chose to think this way cos I don't wish to blame him or myself for this to happen.
We can annul the registered marriage within a year but he said he wanted to try to reconcile the marriage and he also asked is it because I'm feeling ashamed to divorce? I told him what is there to be ashamed of to divorce and I have not done anything wrong to be ashamed of. I said I will give him time to reconcile the relationship as he promised my father to do so. But he has done nothing in the year and when I asked why he has not initaite any activity to salvage the relationship as he promised my father, he said he wanted to do so but his heart not want to.
My parents have lots to say about who to blame and not to blame in my failed registered marriage.
Is it a stigma to divorce?
Perhaps to my parents is Yes!
It has been 4 years since we separated and he has finally filed for the paper to officiate the divorce this year. We discussed about this matter and he hope I will not ask him for anything. I said I want nothing from him but to be freed from this registered marriage only.
I can't say I have wasted my time with him, I will rather say I have gained alot to know what to look for in my future relationship. I just pray that my parents will give me the liberty to believe that I can choose better this time. :-)
As if I can't make a decision myself on the choice of partner I want to have for life.
Just because I have made some mistakes along the way in my past relationship, it doesn't mean I can't decide what is best for myself now.
I always dream of having a lovely partner to build a lovely family with lots of children where love abounds and building our dreams together. In the midst of my search for a partner in my early years, my parents have some deciding factors imparted to me. My parents always say that to find a good husband, he must have a pleasant look, importantly to have a stable job and income, good education, and non unhealthy activities such as smoking, clubbing, gambling, womanising to name a few. I took their advise literally and started my search whom one I have found to suit their criterias. I pursued the relationship and wanted so much to have my own family without knowing what other things I should look into a partner before marrying the man. Gone into a relationship for 5 years and decided if he is not agreeing to marriage, I want to end the relationship. After registered for marriage for almost reaching a year, both family has been asking for a wedding ceremony but its not happening. Reasons given to me from my partner was:
1. No money, how to have a wedding ceremony?
2. I have not married before, how do I know how to do a wedding ceremony?
I was being patient and able to reply that we can tackle the matter step by step. I'm sure having a wedding ceremony won't cost that much as family and friends will contribute with gifts and money offerings to cover the banquet. If we don't know how to do it, we can always seek others who have done it for advise.
I must say its a very painful experience for me. Later, I found out that its not because of money as his father is willing to fund the whole wedding ceremony. There must be some reasons yet he is not telling me exactly. Finally, I decided to call it quit and he said a simple word "OK". My heart sank and cried. I felt like a liability to him instead of an asset, cos he said this to me:"I feel I have spend so much money on you, why should I still buy you a gift on your birthday?"; when I asked on why he has not bought the perfume I asked him to for my birthday.
He has never abused me physically but verbally. It is those words that he said to me were like double-edged sword cutting through my heart. Finally, I've come to a point to accept that there's nothing wrong with him or me, we are just not meant for each other. I chose to think this way cos I don't wish to blame him or myself for this to happen.
We can annul the registered marriage within a year but he said he wanted to try to reconcile the marriage and he also asked is it because I'm feeling ashamed to divorce? I told him what is there to be ashamed of to divorce and I have not done anything wrong to be ashamed of. I said I will give him time to reconcile the relationship as he promised my father to do so. But he has done nothing in the year and when I asked why he has not initaite any activity to salvage the relationship as he promised my father, he said he wanted to do so but his heart not want to.
My parents have lots to say about who to blame and not to blame in my failed registered marriage.
Is it a stigma to divorce?
Perhaps to my parents is Yes!
It has been 4 years since we separated and he has finally filed for the paper to officiate the divorce this year. We discussed about this matter and he hope I will not ask him for anything. I said I want nothing from him but to be freed from this registered marriage only.
I can't say I have wasted my time with him, I will rather say I have gained alot to know what to look for in my future relationship. I just pray that my parents will give me the liberty to believe that I can choose better this time. :-)
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