Recently, I sent an email titled "Love Confession" to my boyfriend.
It was about my inner thoughts on how I appreciate his love and patient for my situation that I have to be away most time due to my job nature. How I am making effort working towards I can be with him often when I'm in town and how I hope all the good things happening for us now will last forever and not for short period cos I don't wish to be hurt again.
He just sent me back a reply which I like to post it here to show all how sweet he is to me and I believe his sincerity from the words he said here.
dearest chris,
I probably have never loved someone at a more depeer level than you. As i get to know you better i fall more in love with you. And everytime your away my heart longs for you. I know that many times i have judged you and you have taken it in your stride. I applogise for this as sometimes i can be impulsive and jump to conclusions. But the more i get to know you and get to know God i realise that your quite an amazing person with a great heart and capacity to care and love people. I do believe you have a place in his kingdom cause you love him so much and i can never be jealous of that. I am quite proud about it. If you ever want to know why i love you so much is because you inspire me to be a better person. I so wish that we set up a family together and he gives me the chance to love and take care of you. I want to do great things in my life. Things that will change the way people are living. I know my calling is to serve people and spread message of love and God. But i can't achieve anything without your support. I am hungry for your love always.
Love you, Hugs & Kisses
Jamshed
In my heart, I believe God will be with us and He will be in the midst of all we working for in our lives.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Must Everything Be So Perfect?
Four years back, I had this encounter with an interesting passenger. I was lost in my own thoughts of my love life, I was struggling in my mind on whether my long-term relationship is going anywhere and what better ways can I improve the relationship to take it to the next level.
As I pushed out my cart to the first row to serve my passengers in business class, I was still in my dream world thinking about my own problems. At the same time, I was concentrating on arranging the logos of the salt and pepper condiments to be facing me, as well as the glasses too as per company guidelines and out of the blue, this particular passenger sat on the first-row turned to look at my tray arrangement, then at me and he asked, "Must everything be so perfect?"
I was lost in words and not sure what to reply to such a comment. It sounds a simple question to answer, yet I didn't want to take it lightly to anyhow reply to our passenger's questions. So I gave him a smile and thought why he asked such weird question which caught me off-guard as I didn't really expect anyone will ask any question while we preparing the trays for their food to be served. Without much further thought or delay, I quickly reply that its our usual practise for the purpose of presentation, to present a nice and neat tray to our passenger. On the other hand, I pondered on his question for a long while in my mind. It kept lingering in my mind and I felt what he said is somehow true and applicable to my life as well... "Must Everything Be So Perfect?"
Life can be so interesting, where God will send you the right people at the right time when you just needed. I truely believe God exist and He has never short-changed us.
While I was caught in a lost world to whether what should I do to my love relationship, He sent someone to alert me - a total stranger.
No one has ever asked me "Am I happy?"
Not even my family or close friends ever asked me this question when I was sharing with them lots about my love relationship.
It was asked by a total stranger whom invited me for lunch in a beautiful afternoon at a breezy Alfesco-setting bistro-cafeteria at Repulse Bay, that very same passenger who asked me "Must Everything Be So Perfect?", asked me "Am I happy?".
It was so strange...everything suddenly seems so crystal clear to me. That in fact, I was not happy at all in my love relationship cos I still can recall that my reply to him on that question was "I think so"... .
I remembered the sun was there, children running around, over-looking at the sea view and the wind brushing through my face, I felt somehow good and relieved, yet not so settled at heart...
I looked into the sky and my heart longs for the Lord to give me an answer, an answer to all my questions for my love life.
I know I want to break free and in my heart I am searching deep. Searching for what is the right steps for me to do.
I gone home and made a decision to talk to my partner. Knowing it can turn out to be the end of the long-term relationship. I decided I will do it now or never. I am a passionate person, I rather have a love life with passion or rather not have it at all.
I cannot live a life denying myself and making stories to the world that I am happy in my love life but in actual fact I am not. I want to live in truth as in following God's word and His ways.
Nobody can understand and nobody can take this portion of my life. I have to live it and I have to take up all responsibility. Just like no one can take the place of Jesus. Jesus knows very well He has to go through a very difficult time before He can be with His heavenly father again.
I was in so much pain and only God knows. After I've made my final decision to end the relationship, many friends and family were not supportive to my decision. Except one of my closest girlfriends, she supported my decision. At such a time, I realised you don't need too many friends in your life, only those who value you are worth to be your friends.
In each time of my life where hard decisions are to be made and tough life I'm going through, I learn of new things about friendships and kinships.
I pray God will continue to show His ways in my life and call me according to His purpose for the rest of my life.
As I pushed out my cart to the first row to serve my passengers in business class, I was still in my dream world thinking about my own problems. At the same time, I was concentrating on arranging the logos of the salt and pepper condiments to be facing me, as well as the glasses too as per company guidelines and out of the blue, this particular passenger sat on the first-row turned to look at my tray arrangement, then at me and he asked, "Must everything be so perfect?"
I was lost in words and not sure what to reply to such a comment. It sounds a simple question to answer, yet I didn't want to take it lightly to anyhow reply to our passenger's questions. So I gave him a smile and thought why he asked such weird question which caught me off-guard as I didn't really expect anyone will ask any question while we preparing the trays for their food to be served. Without much further thought or delay, I quickly reply that its our usual practise for the purpose of presentation, to present a nice and neat tray to our passenger. On the other hand, I pondered on his question for a long while in my mind. It kept lingering in my mind and I felt what he said is somehow true and applicable to my life as well... "Must Everything Be So Perfect?"
Life can be so interesting, where God will send you the right people at the right time when you just needed. I truely believe God exist and He has never short-changed us.
While I was caught in a lost world to whether what should I do to my love relationship, He sent someone to alert me - a total stranger.
No one has ever asked me "Am I happy?"
Not even my family or close friends ever asked me this question when I was sharing with them lots about my love relationship.
It was asked by a total stranger whom invited me for lunch in a beautiful afternoon at a breezy Alfesco-setting bistro-cafeteria at Repulse Bay, that very same passenger who asked me "Must Everything Be So Perfect?", asked me "Am I happy?".
It was so strange...everything suddenly seems so crystal clear to me. That in fact, I was not happy at all in my love relationship cos I still can recall that my reply to him on that question was "I think so"... .
I remembered the sun was there, children running around, over-looking at the sea view and the wind brushing through my face, I felt somehow good and relieved, yet not so settled at heart...
I looked into the sky and my heart longs for the Lord to give me an answer, an answer to all my questions for my love life.
I know I want to break free and in my heart I am searching deep. Searching for what is the right steps for me to do.
I gone home and made a decision to talk to my partner. Knowing it can turn out to be the end of the long-term relationship. I decided I will do it now or never. I am a passionate person, I rather have a love life with passion or rather not have it at all.
I cannot live a life denying myself and making stories to the world that I am happy in my love life but in actual fact I am not. I want to live in truth as in following God's word and His ways.
Nobody can understand and nobody can take this portion of my life. I have to live it and I have to take up all responsibility. Just like no one can take the place of Jesus. Jesus knows very well He has to go through a very difficult time before He can be with His heavenly father again.
I was in so much pain and only God knows. After I've made my final decision to end the relationship, many friends and family were not supportive to my decision. Except one of my closest girlfriends, she supported my decision. At such a time, I realised you don't need too many friends in your life, only those who value you are worth to be your friends.
In each time of my life where hard decisions are to be made and tough life I'm going through, I learn of new things about friendships and kinships.
I pray God will continue to show His ways in my life and call me according to His purpose for the rest of my life.
Monday, February 25, 2008
A Not-meant-to-be Relationship Reviewed
Family and friends are very concerned for my choice of a life partner.
As if I can't make a decision myself on the choice of partner I want to have for life.
Just because I have made some mistakes along the way in my past relationship, it doesn't mean I can't decide what is best for myself now.
I always dream of having a lovely partner to build a lovely family with lots of children where love abounds and building our dreams together. In the midst of my search for a partner in my early years, my parents have some deciding factors imparted to me. My parents always say that to find a good husband, he must have a pleasant look, importantly to have a stable job and income, good education, and non unhealthy activities such as smoking, clubbing, gambling, womanising to name a few. I took their advise literally and started my search whom one I have found to suit their criterias. I pursued the relationship and wanted so much to have my own family without knowing what other things I should look into a partner before marrying the man. Gone into a relationship for 5 years and decided if he is not agreeing to marriage, I want to end the relationship. After registered for marriage for almost reaching a year, both family has been asking for a wedding ceremony but its not happening. Reasons given to me from my partner was:
1. No money, how to have a wedding ceremony?
2. I have not married before, how do I know how to do a wedding ceremony?
I was being patient and able to reply that we can tackle the matter step by step. I'm sure having a wedding ceremony won't cost that much as family and friends will contribute with gifts and money offerings to cover the banquet. If we don't know how to do it, we can always seek others who have done it for advise.
I must say its a very painful experience for me. Later, I found out that its not because of money as his father is willing to fund the whole wedding ceremony. There must be some reasons yet he is not telling me exactly. Finally, I decided to call it quit and he said a simple word "OK". My heart sank and cried. I felt like a liability to him instead of an asset, cos he said this to me:"I feel I have spend so much money on you, why should I still buy you a gift on your birthday?"; when I asked on why he has not bought the perfume I asked him to for my birthday.
He has never abused me physically but verbally. It is those words that he said to me were like double-edged sword cutting through my heart. Finally, I've come to a point to accept that there's nothing wrong with him or me, we are just not meant for each other. I chose to think this way cos I don't wish to blame him or myself for this to happen.
We can annul the registered marriage within a year but he said he wanted to try to reconcile the marriage and he also asked is it because I'm feeling ashamed to divorce? I told him what is there to be ashamed of to divorce and I have not done anything wrong to be ashamed of. I said I will give him time to reconcile the relationship as he promised my father to do so. But he has done nothing in the year and when I asked why he has not initaite any activity to salvage the relationship as he promised my father, he said he wanted to do so but his heart not want to.
My parents have lots to say about who to blame and not to blame in my failed registered marriage.
Is it a stigma to divorce?
Perhaps to my parents is Yes!
It has been 4 years since we separated and he has finally filed for the paper to officiate the divorce this year. We discussed about this matter and he hope I will not ask him for anything. I said I want nothing from him but to be freed from this registered marriage only.
I can't say I have wasted my time with him, I will rather say I have gained alot to know what to look for in my future relationship. I just pray that my parents will give me the liberty to believe that I can choose better this time. :-)
As if I can't make a decision myself on the choice of partner I want to have for life.
Just because I have made some mistakes along the way in my past relationship, it doesn't mean I can't decide what is best for myself now.
I always dream of having a lovely partner to build a lovely family with lots of children where love abounds and building our dreams together. In the midst of my search for a partner in my early years, my parents have some deciding factors imparted to me. My parents always say that to find a good husband, he must have a pleasant look, importantly to have a stable job and income, good education, and non unhealthy activities such as smoking, clubbing, gambling, womanising to name a few. I took their advise literally and started my search whom one I have found to suit their criterias. I pursued the relationship and wanted so much to have my own family without knowing what other things I should look into a partner before marrying the man. Gone into a relationship for 5 years and decided if he is not agreeing to marriage, I want to end the relationship. After registered for marriage for almost reaching a year, both family has been asking for a wedding ceremony but its not happening. Reasons given to me from my partner was:
1. No money, how to have a wedding ceremony?
2. I have not married before, how do I know how to do a wedding ceremony?
I was being patient and able to reply that we can tackle the matter step by step. I'm sure having a wedding ceremony won't cost that much as family and friends will contribute with gifts and money offerings to cover the banquet. If we don't know how to do it, we can always seek others who have done it for advise.
I must say its a very painful experience for me. Later, I found out that its not because of money as his father is willing to fund the whole wedding ceremony. There must be some reasons yet he is not telling me exactly. Finally, I decided to call it quit and he said a simple word "OK". My heart sank and cried. I felt like a liability to him instead of an asset, cos he said this to me:"I feel I have spend so much money on you, why should I still buy you a gift on your birthday?"; when I asked on why he has not bought the perfume I asked him to for my birthday.
He has never abused me physically but verbally. It is those words that he said to me were like double-edged sword cutting through my heart. Finally, I've come to a point to accept that there's nothing wrong with him or me, we are just not meant for each other. I chose to think this way cos I don't wish to blame him or myself for this to happen.
We can annul the registered marriage within a year but he said he wanted to try to reconcile the marriage and he also asked is it because I'm feeling ashamed to divorce? I told him what is there to be ashamed of to divorce and I have not done anything wrong to be ashamed of. I said I will give him time to reconcile the relationship as he promised my father to do so. But he has done nothing in the year and when I asked why he has not initaite any activity to salvage the relationship as he promised my father, he said he wanted to do so but his heart not want to.
My parents have lots to say about who to blame and not to blame in my failed registered marriage.
Is it a stigma to divorce?
Perhaps to my parents is Yes!
It has been 4 years since we separated and he has finally filed for the paper to officiate the divorce this year. We discussed about this matter and he hope I will not ask him for anything. I said I want nothing from him but to be freed from this registered marriage only.
I can't say I have wasted my time with him, I will rather say I have gained alot to know what to look for in my future relationship. I just pray that my parents will give me the liberty to believe that I can choose better this time. :-)
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